And the diagnosis is...

I have come to the conclusion that I am a true-blue escapist. No no, I don't specialise in jail-breaking or anything criminal. It's a bit less exciting than that. I mean that I would rather run away than to confront something, expecially when I know it is going to hurt big time. Hah, this explains my passivity eh.

When I am unhappy about something, and even when I am angry about something, I often clam up and ignore rather than rant about it. Cold war, not arm-to-arm combat.

If possible I try to do things in ways that do not involve troubling other people. If I can do it myself, I do it myself. If no one notices anything, all the better.

When I see an acquaintance in the distance and I know that after saying "Hi!" there would be an awkward pause, I would not say "Hi!"

I don't often call people.

I want to fade into the background when there is an argument around me that I can do nothing about.

I always thought that weakness is abominable and I had hoped that I am not weak. But I think, in my hearts of hearts, I am so very weak. No strength of character. Not garang enough. I don't know if I will ever be strong enough to fight for something. Most things feel very lukewarm at the moment. I guess they have been like this forever already.

In some ways, this contradicts my need for control. When I know I can get my way, I must have it in my way. But who said that life is going to be easy. I guess it's when I know that it is beyond my control that I escape. Well, that just about showcases my cowardice in its full glory.

This is so incredibly sad. It saddens even me.